Holding on

I made the mistake of weighing myself today. I'm still stuck at 125.

I eat net 1200-1400. that shudn't be enough to be maintaining my weight- thats ridiculously low for maintenance.

and then i feel myself slipping to bad thoughts...

if i eat just ONE egg and some veggies with coffee with no creamer, then it would be 130 calories...salad with sugar free dressing and a hard boiled egg is only 100 calories...i could get by on 400 calories for the day...

and then i feel the growing muscles in my thighs, how awake I feel. and then it stops. for a while. but it's enough to keep me going.

I am grateful that my body is healthy enough to get me through each day, my legs healthy enough to stand 45 min on the elliptical on high resistance (how I burned 400 calories!).



breakfast: 1 slice bread, 2 tbsp hummus, some orange-mango juice, coffee w/ creamer & agave (300)
snack: carrots and hummus (120)
lunch: 4 oz tuna steak, sauteed veggies, salad w/ corn and tomatoes, random Terra Cotta chips (450)
snack: small banana, other half of Luna bar (170)
dinner: rice and korean curry (with potatoes, carrots, onions and chicken) (430)
dessert: 1 square milka, coffee w/ creamer & agave (80)
dessert2: citron tea (50)

total: 1600
net: 1200

I was hungry ALL day today. probably because i exercised so much! the dinner calorie estimate is VERY rough (actually so is lunch)- i'm pretty much overestimating again. my net is pretty low today, but i mean i ate 1600 calories...according to some calculators i shud be eating 1200 TOTAL for weight loss (i'd STARVE)- that's freaking insane i'm sorry lol. i mean, technically i COULD. but i don't wanna live hungry 24/7- that's no way to live a life!

Last day of break :-(

weeee I went to Trader Joe's today. um, seriously i could spend hrs in that store! i stocked up on my fav quesadillas, frozen veggies, agave syrup, white frozen fish, hummus, carrots, and bananas (all organic of course!- cept the quesadillas).

I also branched out:
CHOCOLATE COVERED ESPRESSO BEANS- they come in these cute travel tins. 22 for 70 calories. holy shit. imma be so hyper tomorrow! lol
CHICKEN TIKKA MASALA- reading glidingcalm's blog updates on her trip to India has made me crave Indian food like no other. my best friend is Indian, but she moved a while back and they're still settling so i haven't had any in a while. these seemed like a good alternative!
NEW BARS- I got a peanut butter cookie luna bar and a cashew cookie larabar. I am now the proud owner of 20 kashi bars, a cliffz bar, a luna bar, and 2 larabars. i think i'm stocked up for now ;-)

workout: 30 minutes on elliptical (250 calories burned)- I felt really off and breathless (more than usual) and fatigued, no clue why, so i cut it to 30 min again. the goal is to be HEALTHY.

breakfast: 2 slices Trader Joe's Organic 9 Grain Bread, 2 tblsp Trader Joe's organic hummus, cup of coffee w/ 3 tsp Coffeemate Creamer + 1 tsp Trader Joe's organic agave syrup (300 calories)
lunch: 1 cup white rice, 5 oz yellowtail fish, kimchee (350 calories)
dessert: citron tea & random rice cake (70 calories)
dinner: kalbitang with ricecakes and dumplings added (500 calories)
dessert: CHOCOLATE MOUSSE MILKA, coffee w/ creamer & agave (80 calories)
snack: 5 Terra chips (50 calories)

total: 1350
net: 1100 <---I do realize that is a bit low. but i've been eating higher caloric foods for a while now, and I wasn't very hungry today...trying to listen to my body!

A note on calorie values: these are all very rough estimates. for things like fish/ meat, i use the card deck = 3 oz trick, and I always round up. for things like the citron tea, its like 1 oz = 30 calories, but i say 50 b/c i have no idea how much 1 oz is...haha

I could get a food scale. But i never will, even though I know it's proven to help with weight loss. I know myself all too well- i have an obsessive nature (like how i spend like 3 hrs a day obsessively checking other people's blogs...and no, I am not a stalker thank u very much). I'm very good at mental math, and when I went through my 2 yrs of 500-700 calorie a day diet, i used to count every leaf, every jelly bean, every teaspoon of condiments. seriously, i'd be like (esp with packaged foods) since i'm eating half with a tsp of ketchup this food is 217 calories. And i'd eat a slice of deli ham for 8 calories, and drink 4 cups of water to fill me up, or better yet, a can of diet coke.

I don't want to live like that. I did go from 140+ pounds to 114, but i was miserable. I was depressed. And when I read my diaries, I was almost suicidal- i felt worthless b/c of my weight. looking back at those pictures, i was beautiful. at every weight.

but i never saw that.

i won't go back. ever.

Why...

Mostly this blog is to chronicle my diet and to come to terms with my own weight...

I used to be "chubby" but grew basically obese when I kept moving, and got labeled "smart" so kids started shunning me and I turned to food.

As in, 4'9" and 140 pounds...

Then I grew (to a whopping 5'!!!), and went on a diet 6th grade (and became pre-anorexic- I ate literally 500-700 calories a day) and got down to 114 pounds. Then high school started, and I stress-ate again. By junior year, I was 136 pounds.

Senior year, I tried to get some of it off, and settled at 128 pounds for months.

Now, I have kick-started my diet (as a second-sem senior! woot!) and actually started working out in the mornings ( getting up at 5:30 is a B*TCH!!!). I've already lost 2 pounds!!! I want to do this in a healthy way- no eating disorder and eating just 500 calories a day with tons of diet coke.

Starting statistics:
weight- 128 lbs
waist- 29"
hips- 38.5"
thighs- 22"
arms-12"

2/9/20
weight-126 lbs
waist- 28.5"
hips- 38"
thighs- 21.5"
arms-11.5"

GOALS:
weight- 105 lbs
waist- 24"
hips-35"
thighs- 19"
arms- 10"